cnp721’s blog

A week ago I was stressed out to the point of it beling unbearable, and right now, I admit that I am bored.

I'm so used tohaving stuff to do. This is the reason I cannot just be a stay at home mom. I dropped the kids off at school and it's only 9:30 am....when I should be just getting started, right? Wrong!! House-clean, presents-wrapped, bills-paid...there is literally nothing to do. I just sat and finished reading the book I started last night, so I have nothing really good to read and I cannot go to the library today because I promised my son I would take him tomorrow.

Oh, and I hid my keys from myself because the absolute last thing that I should be doing at the moment is going out to shop. That would be terribly stupid of me. I'm done Christmas shopping and we do not need anything right now. I really want to keep saving the money for our next trip. That, and I want to take a personal trip to Vancouver to visit Cami who will be out there in the spring. There IS laundry to finish, but I have to wait on that since it's in the dryer...what in the world to stay at home moms do all day when their kids are in school?? Let me rephrase a bit...I know that some moms are incredibly busy because they have a big family, but my two kids do not require much...What am I supposed to do while they're gone? And don't tell me relax or take a nap because those are two things that I just cannot get myself to do. Oh...and I already exercised too!

UGH!

I can almost taste it! The end of this horrible semester is almost over. I will never again, as long as I live, take any more then 5 classes at one time. It is too much on me with everything else that I have to do in my life. If I didn't have so many people pulling me in so many different directions...if I were a college student living in a dorm with no job and not much of a personal life, then I think I'd be able to take that many classes and still do well. Honestly, I threw my hopes of a 4.0 this semester out the window months ago. I'm hoping to get by not destroying my total GPA...I'd like for that to at least stay above the 3.0 mark for now.

I have had so many things going on in my personal life aside from school that I have not been able to focus the way that I really wanted to focus. It's not an excuse. I have just been pulled in five different directions and I still am. I have a very close friend with thyroid cancer who I constantly worry about. I have another who is raising two kids pretty much as a single parent and I'm helping her as much as I can because her husband does not want to take responsibility for the children(they aren't his) and the father of the children is off in the war. Of course, I care deeply for the girls and do whatever I can for them whenever they need me. The oldest is 13 and really takes to me because I'm quite a bit younger then her mom and I guess she feels that I can relate better to her. I have issues within my own family. The holidays are always so hard for me because I don't have a mom or dad anymore to share them with. I have adopted my friends as my family and I guess I'm okay with that but it will never be the same. Then, on top of that, I have been helping out with a girl scout troop because someone quit at the last minute and I couldn't stand the fact of those 18 girls not being able to stick together and keep their troop going. That alone is a lot of work. Then, I have relationships that I need to try and keep going and that is a lot of work as well. Then of course I  have this house that isn't going to take care of itself, and there are plenty of rooms that need cleaning and dishes that need washed and clothing that needs laundering, and God forbid I take, I don't know, 3 minutes to myself to even get into the shower without someone calling me to ask me to do something or they need advice or they need to vent their problems and I am the first person they call.

Not that I'm complaining about that, I really truly do value the fact that I am the first person a lot of my friends think of when they need to share something or need someone to talk to. I feel good knowing that I can be that person for them, but even though I have several who call me everyday, I don't feel like I have that one person who I can call and vent my frustrations to when I need to get it all out. I am the strong one, the one who takes charge and gets it all done. I guess I'm not allowed to have my own downtimes, huh? It's a bit disheartening to me because I just want to be able to call a friend and say "Hey, I am fucking miserable today and I really need to get it off my chest before I implode!" but I just don't have that option right now. Maybe in the future...

I miss Cam like crazy because we were able to call each other and talk about anything and she really, truly understood. She would drop everything to rush right over and help me get this or that done...no matter what I needed and I would do the same for her. One day, right before she moved, I was sick and alone in the house that I had just bought and I was frustrated because I couldn't make it down the stairs to get the laundry done...I was so nauseated that I couldn't walk down the steps without throwing up. She left work 3 hours early to come over and she did my laundry and sat with me watching my favorite movies. She then made my dinner before going off to make dinner for herself and her husband. That's what kind of gal she is...and now she is 3,000 miles away doing what she does best. At least I will get to spend some time with her in canadialand in the spring while she is there for her husband's job. She is also going to italia for a bit, but I don't think I will have the time to get out there. Still...I miss not having the daily vent sessions.

One of my friends called me up while I was in the middle of cramming for an exam. She wasn't thinking about the fact that I was overstressed and overworked and worried about today's final. She was crying and upset and called me to listen to her problems...which I was more then happy to do, but it just made me realize even more how much I miss having someone I can call for that very reason.

I'm having a pity party here, aren't I? Sorry...I think that I am just at the end of my rope and I'm getting increasinly emotional. I am the kind of gal who holds it all in until she cannot hold another thing. I think if one more thing pops up before I can get out of school for this semester, I truly may crack.

Oh, and go listen to "Let It Be Me" by Ray Lamontagne..."Gone In The Morning" by Newton Faulkner(thanks Janie!)...and "Solid Sender" by John Lee Hooker(which , btw, if a man were to sing that song to me I would melt into a giant puddle and be putty in his hands). They are beautiful songs written by wonderfully talented artists and they all deserve a bit of recognition.

Yeah, well, I'm no SNL writer, so I am not nearly creative enough...

My weekend was incredibly busy from start to finish. Fri. was a wedding rehearsal and dinner. Sat. was the actual wedding...no, not my wedding...it was the wedding of two of my friends. I am starting to wonder about my choice of friends. I was so incredibly bored that I could barely stay awake through the whole ordeal. Seriously, during the first dance (some God Awful country song), I leaned my head on my date and closed my eyes. When the music ended, I opened my eyes only to feel that strange dizzy sensation you get when you are tired and don't want to stay awake. The best man crapped out on the speech so J's dad did it...sweet, emotional, I don't like watching other people cry..I dunno, it kinda weirds me out.  It was all very pretty though and I could not help but wonder the whole time how much it all cost. I know that sounds odd, but I just kept thinking things like, well, instead of these bouquets of orchids on every table (yes, orchids), they could have gotten a really nice piece of furniture for their house. Sad, huh? I thought about the last 3 weddings I have been to and realized that if I added up how much each of them cost together, I could have paid off my mortgage. I guess I am trying to figure out when weddings sudenly became a circus! Why do people have to put themselves in massive debt for one day out of their lives? What's wrong with a nice, intimate wedding with the closest of friends and family? Somewhere that means something to the couple, do something that you really will remember. What ever happened to that? Instead, people have to go out and get hand crafted dresses and orchids in november. A photographer and a videographer, and because it's all so complicated, a wedding coordinator. WTF?

Anyway, it's over and I totally didn't take pictures because I was so bored that I forgot. E and I looked darn good in our clothes though. He had black suit, ivory shirt and a grey and plum tie. I had a beautiful black wrap dress(that I can wear again and again) with a simple strand of pearls and some smokin' hot black heels (at my request).

Yesterday was the final tournament in soccer. Coaching is now over until next fall, that is, IF the decision to coach is in the cards. The kids did AWESOME. They made it to the very last playoff game...the top 4 teams. They lost by only 1 goal and they played their hearts out. No, not the championship game, but I bought them all medals(since they didn't win trophies) to show that all of their hard work didn't go unnoticed). They had a winning season. and yesterday was great! 1st game 7-0, 2nd game 4-1, 3rd game 3-1, 4th game 3-1, and fifth game(lost) 2-1. Awesome job!

Yesterday evening was the skating party for my girl scout troop. I forgot how much work it is to keep yourself upright with wheels strapped to your feet. I didn't fall or even trip, so I must have done alright. Of course, it was even harder considering that I had a bunch of 7 year olds grabbing all over me so that they wouldn't fall. Thank goodness that was done!! It was so funny to be around them and hear the music. I guess they all think I'm really old or something(though I am a good 10-12 years younger then all of their moms) because they were shocked when I knew the songs...Oh! and I got bonus points for knowing how to dance the cha-cha slide(an updated version of the electric slide). I slept better last night knowing a bunch of 7 y.o. think I'm cool *scarcasm*

Today is back to reality. I need to get my house back in order and finally wash my clothes since nothing is clean right now....oh, and let's not even talk about homework as I blog in order to stall.

I need another weekend to relax from last weekend. Yikes!